Gratitude

I've done an embarrassing amount of nothing today.  There is just no pretty way to say that.  I did have a rather unexpected appointment in town this morning, but nothing major.  Since today is, until about 2:00, pretty uneventful, I braided the top of Maelynn's hair, and stuck a huge red bow in the side, right where the braid ends.  The rest of her hair cascades down her back and pools in little curls right below her shoulders.  Strikingly beautiful, even in a band shirt and keds.

It's the same with all three kids.  She's just the one that is more fun to dress!  Richie has this golden curly hair, and fresh out of the bath, he has these beautiful, cherry red lips and big, deep blue eyes.  Ryan has the same eye color, but his are bigger.  And he has this nice, thick, brown hair that I just can't keep my hands out of.

They're all beautiful.  At every stage, I think they're the most beautiful people I've ever seen, and I don't want to forget a thing about them.  

In the car yesterday, Maelynn kept singing and jabbering to herself about this and that.  She was alone in the backseat with Richie and Ryan both in school for the day.  I caught myself glancing back at her in the kid-rearview mirror that hangs below the regular one.  She was talking about everything she saw, helping her bear dance, and in between things asking me for her "coffee cup".  She'd take a few pulls of milk, then hand it back to me and return to being Maelynn.

This gorgeous, precious, fragile creature in the back seat of my van is the same one I met in the operating room at the hospital.  I'd never seen a prettier girl then, and I still haven't.  Not that your daughters aren't pretty too... but mine is special to me, and yours should be to you, too.

I just couldn't help but stare.  She's such a wonder, as are her brothers.  Such gifts they are to our lives.

Then the playlist turned to a song I haven't listened to in a while.  I know I've shared it in the past.  It's really just that close to my heart.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...

And I glance back to the backseat again.  I don't want to forget her face.  I don't want to forget the time I spent after she was born.  I don't want to forget the days that were hard and long and the fear that I"d never feel like myself again.  I don't want to forget that there was a day when I didn't know if I could do this.  

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

I don't want to forget that there was a day when we couldn't have driven fifty minutes to church.  I don't want to forget that there was a time when I really thought I might not be okay because I couldn't seem to muster enough of this mysterious faith currency to keep bad things from happening.  It wasn't that long ago.

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...

I don't want to forget how she came into this world.  I don't want to forget the way God taught me that He was enough.  That I couldn't match his strength.  I don't want to forget that and waste those awful postpartum days of spinal headache and depression and anxiety by forgetting that there is nothing good enough I can do.  He gives us faith. 

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude 
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead 

And if we never taste that bread...

There is no magic formula to keep the bad things away.  At the same time, I don't want to forget the pain that we have seen.  The uncertainty of circumstances.  I want that sweet face and the ones who usually fill the seats to know and love these times.  I want them to know how we came through.  I want them to know that things won't always look like they should, but things always happen in God's providence and timing. 

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

I want them to know how much we love them. I want them to see it on our faces and in our lives and actions.  I want them to hear it with their eyes and soak it in from our arms.  I want them to know our love and for our love to reflect His love.  I want them to know that we wanted things... we asked the Father for things... we didn't get.  

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case...

I want them to understand why we stand and sing, why we read the liturgy, why we read our bibles.  I want them to know that although we didn't get everything we asked for, we are glad we asked.  I want them to know that although we didn't get everything we asked for, we have more than we could ever have imagined.  I want them to know why we long to share this with the world.

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace...

Amid all the confusion and all the things we were not meant to understand, all the doctrinal and theological discussion, I want them to know that the relationship they develop between prayer, the word, and fellowship with other believers is the way to have everything they want... and more than that, the way to want everything they have. 

But Jesus, would you please?

Thanks be to God. 

*With apologies to Nichole Nordeman, who owns "Gratitude".  Click below to hear.