Keeping my Promise

So I kinda lost my head yesterday.

Mother and I had planned to go to the mall and get a couple of things last night after Ryan's ABA session finished.  No big deal, just a couple of things.  One was the rest of Eric's Christmas present from me.

First strike against us was that the student who has observed Ryan's sessions this semester needed to ask a few questions of me toward a project.  Okay, cool.  No big deal, right?

It would have been no big deal had he not asked at the end of Ryan's session, for which he had to be present to complete his hours.  Having had to complete several observation hours myself as a student, I get this.  No big deal.

As I'm doing my best to honestly and thoroughly answer this young man's questions, which I'm happy to do, Richie and Maelynn are playing a little too happily with their new friend in the hall.  I was afraid of this, but figured we'd be through soon and thought the classes were on our end of the hall, not where they were.  

Wrong.  Well, according to one of the professors who walked by, I was wrong.  I wanted the earth to open and swallow me.  Both hands clasped over my dropped jaw and I ran to shoo them toward me.  Back to questions.

Then I noticed that Ms. C kept coming back to the BARC door and bringing things to bribe Ryan.  A mite overwhelmed with questions and the kids, I trusted that she had this under control.

Wrong again.

Poor kid couldn't get Ryan to move an inch.  Turns out he was stuck between the vending machines and the elevator and wouldn't go with her.  Glancing at my watch, I noted that it had been a LOT longer than I thought, and asked if Ms. C would like my help getting him back to us.  Yes, she would... because she had class thirty minutes ago.

Whoops.

So I run down to the other side of the hall, leaving the kids to Mother and the kids' new friend's mother.  As soon as I rounded the corner, there he was.  Stimming with all his might on the elevator.  Sweaty.

When he saw me, he immediately smiled, said "Hi Mommy" and took my hand.  Poor Ms. C had been trying for thirty minutes plus to get him to come with her.

After a flurry of activity and a text to see if Eric wouldn't mind working late, we landed at Ryan's favorite restaurant.  I was already quite strung out and wound up, all at the same time.  Mother understood that I was determined to get Eric's gift out of the way, and once we knew Eric was happy to have some extra time at the band hall, she got us some dinner.

With a good dinner under our belt, we decided that running to two stores in the mall would be okay.  I didn't have the iPod, but hey... it was only two stores, right?

Oh, so very wrong.

Let's just say we walked half the length of the mall with a screaming, hitting mess.  By the time I could get him into the van, I was a crying, frustrated mess.

The craziest part wasn't the meltdown itself, but how it ended.  He turned on a dime, stopped yelling, hitting, and being a swirling torrent of anger and confusion all of a sudden.  He immediately turned, looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, "Hi Mommy."

He said it just like he hadn't been there the whole time.  Just like he did when I picked him up.  Just like nothing. Had. Happened.

How I wish I could help him.

How I wish I could let him out of the cage in which autism encases him at times.

And just as I promised the other day, in Post-Turkey Talk, I'm gonna try it again.  Friday is a half day at school, so they get out at noon.  We have to be there anyway for Ryan's last ABA appointment of the year, so we're going to get some more shopping done.  I will make a few changes, we'll take a few more precautions, we'll prepare a bit more.  But we will try again.

Why?

Because life is too precious and too short to give up.  Because doing our best to enjoy and live this life we're promised more abundantly is not just for the best, not just a cliche, but it is obedient to the One who knows best.

How are you going to try again?

Thanks be to God for courage, peace, and comfort.