Yesterday as we started the 45 minute trek to Waco, I told Eric I wasn't sure this week was the right thing to do. He quickly reminded me that, although we don't hear one word from Ryan about camp (or much else for that matter), giving him the opportunity to be in a different environment and acclamate to a different schedule and kids with the training wheels of trained individuals is priceless. We knew he was not only safe, but the people who where there understood his issues (just understanding that, yes, he may be a beautiful, normal-looking child but he DOES have autism can be a challenge for some) and were able to work with him. Priceless. Truly priceless.
You know what else is priceless?
When we initially looked at this week, I was concerned about the amount of time to kill around Waco. We knew it would be time to eat when we got out, and that we had that covered all but two days, and those days we'd manage. But the time. Oh dear. Richie, Maelynn, Eric and I had to do something with that time! This is where I'm so glad I was raised the way I was. So grateful for my Mom and Nanny. We had a wonderful time with Richie and Mae! We walked around and explored Baylor, especially the bears. Richie loved that and the bookstore. We found a corner with a table where we could be out of the way, and played with puzzles, colored, and had a little snack. We found the bridge, walked it, fed ducks, and got to see three families of ducklings. We also got to experience geese invading once they figure out you have food!
What's the priceless part of that? Ducks, geese, river, squatting all gypsylike all over Waco? It was the chill-out, just go with it feel. It was being able to relax and see the look on Richie's face when the ducks ate his bread. It was seeing he and Maelynn free to be little kids for a while, not part of a family with autism. I was able to kneel down beside Richie and explain that if he is very still and quiet, the ducks will stay and eat our food. If we are gentle and calm, the ducks will feel safe and let us watch them. He was, and they did. He was amazing.
You know what else was amazing? I was able to think. I was able to remember. It was decadent to do things at the spur of the moment, no fumbling through the picture schedule icons, no "just keep moving", no "oh don't walk by that, or he won't stop stimming". We were able to sit by the river and watch the mallards take off, playing on the air just about two feet of the river, seemingly showing off how graceful and beautiful God made them. As we changed diapers in the van, stopped to read memorial plaques, and pointed out cool little things to Richie and Mae, I thought about lots of random things I loved about being with Nanny and Mom. I was able to let my mind wander to the hot summers I spent chasing Tupperware parties and deliveries with Nanny, stopping to see whatever we wanted, walk around wherever, and as she used to put it, "tromp around" in an odd shop or store that we happened to stumble upon. I remembered the times my Mom saved to take me to the Oklahoma City Zoo, and all the laughs we shared while we checked out the animals... and she always managed to have the fifty cents to stick in one of those rattly, old machines that molded a replica of whatever animal was in the exhibit close, and holding the hot plastic statue upside down till it cooled. I remembered how Mom and Dad always took us to the lake on Sunday afternoons, complete with burgers or hot dogs, swimming, and drying my hair by riding in the back of the truck on the way home.
I was able to give to Richie and Mae a little of what I loved about my childhood. I want to give these same things to Ryan, and I will continue to make attempts to do this. He's no less important. But in the life with autism, so many things go out the window or are adapted or put on hold to live appropriately. So many times the littles are kept from doing things we'd have done with them because it's hard for brother. We don't put it that way, but that's the truth. Hanging out by the river is dangerous for Ryan. He would have been all about trying to get in the water. When he realized he couldn't, he'd have been screaming and throwing down completely, beating his chest, legs, head... us... until we gave up and went back to the van. And the ducks? Psscht. They'd have been long gone.
It is more than my pleasure to care for, adapt for, and learn to love and get to know Ryan! We love that boy like crazy. But we have to be careful to make the littles important, too. They need their Mommy and Daddy to love them and teach them to be who God wants them to be just like Ryan. We'd never leave Ryan somewhere just to take the littles to enjoy something. So this fabulous by-product of Ryan's time at day camp was just that. Fabulous. We missed Ryan... especially on the bridge. We think he'd love it, and we'll have to try it someday. But these few hours each day this week were all about Richie and Maelynn, exploring the world with Mommy and Daddy.
Ryan? I walked up to get him from his last day at camp, bracing for the fight inside but smiling and waving at him. Ryan was on his tummy in a huge puddle, splashing a little and watching the ripples of the water. He was grinning. His two counselors, K and A, were with him. He didn't scream when he saw me! He did hop up and come to me... and I about jumped out of my skin! He said "I want to go to a restaurant" in his sweet, robotic, I-learned-this-phrase-from-an-app way, then went right back to the puddle. While I talked to K and A, he asked for the elevator a bunch, and tore away, with his hooded Nemo towel (complete with fin on top... so cute) streaming behind, to the building to see if he could get in. Joy. But he was happy, not screaming! Run from me? I can deal with that. He wasn't screaming at me! YAY!
As Ryan attempted a daring escape to a joy-ride (he thought) on the elevator, K and A told me all about how wonderful Ryan is... how cute and sweet he is... not once asking "how do you do this?" or "wow... is he like this all the time?" Nope. All about how neat he is, at the same time as reporting to me ways they've found to help him control his stimming. I thanked them, they thanked us for the time they had with Ryan, and said they'd miss him.
Best part... I asked Ryan to hold my hand (after chasing him with the help of the child of one of the folks in charge) as we walked back to the van. He didn't fight or worm away. He slipped his pruny, cold, half-wet, soft, child's hand into mine, and we strolled back to the van. We even took a different route and talked about the squirrels on campus (who seemed to be having a convention on the steps of one of the buildings). He told me about not touching the big red button. He was happy.
So yep, I'm sure now that we did the right thing with this camp. It didn't happen the way I thought. I'll never know, likely, what Ryan's thoughts were on the camp itself. But God showed again that, as my precious inlaw-parents like to say, "heaven rules". We were concerned with the cost of the week... simply the time and money... but knew that it was needed. Again, God gives us what we need... what He knows we need... and that is always better than what we dreamed, even when we dream our best. I don't understand why, I don't understand autism... I don't know why I don't understand autism! I don't know why bad stuff happens. I only know that God is God, and I trust Him. I trust Him because He has always brought me through. He has always been my rock, my shelter, my best friend. My certainness in uncertainty. My sanity in too much crazy. I don't make this stuff up... it's for real. The struggles are real, and the only real answers and comfort I find are in Him.
God is God by Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
[Chorus]
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Till the only burning question that remains
Is who am I?
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
[Chorus]
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
[Chorus]
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
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