Monday, January 13, 2014

The Everyday... Our Normal

Do you ever get tired of being yelled at?  Or just of the yelling, period?

Do you ever wonder if it will always be like this?

Do you ever go from a complete high point, wonderful snuggly time with your little one, then BAM you're off the cliff of screaming and yelling?

Do you feel your ears tighten every time he starts to hit the table, the walls, his head... not because of the noise, but of the heartbreaking amounts of frustration he must feel?

Do you ever wish he'd tell you?  Just put into words what is bothering him?

Have you ever held him tight, hot tears streaming down your cheeks, praying that it would pass?

Have you ever just wished with all your might that you could make it okay?

Me too.

It's so difficult to describe the hold his anger and frustration has on my heart.  The invisible link between us, the electric shock when the strains of his vexation with an unknown cause, create quite the rollercoaster of the heart and mind.  No, not rollercoaster.  That's too gentle.  Even the most gut-churning, body-wrenching coaster doesn't compare.  It's like walking around in the most peaceful setting you can imagine, and just when you begin to relax... to let the waves crashing on the shore wash all the anxiety from your soul... you find yourself careening off a cliff.

And you can't even tell who pushed you.

In two seconds, you're back on the shore.  All giggles and smiles, all fun and happy.  Again, when you least expect it... free-fall onto craggy rocks and thorny bushes.

Often, when you find yourself back in the peace, your heart is still reeling from the fall.  You're not ready for it.  You need more time to process what just happened.  But it's too late, he's over it, and it's back to normal.

It's an emotional cross between vertigo and whiplash.  And it happens every day at 7:00 in my house, then again at 3:30.  On Saturdays, it's all day.

Sometimes the peaceful time lasts for an hour.  Sometimes it's thirty minutes.  Sometimes it's five or ten.  And obviously, some days are worse than others.

The toll from this experience is, I'm sure, presented in different ways with different caretakers.  I come here to sort through my issues, then share them with you, so that maybe someone will find comfort in the knowledge that they're not the only one.

Other days, I just want to go back to bed.  Shut the doors, close the windows, and just be.  Be in the safety of my own shell... our own shell.  It takes such energy to even think about taking the whole family to another family's home that is out of our routine.  As hard as I fought routine in the beginning, breaking it now seems worse than a root canal.

But no matter how hard it becomes, he smiles that toothy, chiclet grin and I realize that I'm addicted.  Completely, hopelessly addicted.  His smile and his laugh flash light over and through the dark places that want to go back to bed.  They don't solve the problem of tomorrow, or even today.  But they are a gift from God.  That smile and giggle... those big, blue eyes and that crazy thick brown hair, those pouty rose-colored lips, the way his glasses rest on his button nose... those are visual comfort, the gentle-yet-strong hand of the Lord reminding me that his mercies are new every morning... every moment that I need them.

They are reminders that it is all more than worth it.  It's my life's work, at least a large part of it.  To add to the beauty of this world as the mother of these amazing little beings.  It's not every woman's desire, and there are other ways I've been given to add to the beauty of this world, to bless the hearts of the other folks living around us.  But for now at least, it is the most prevalent.

Do you know the experiences, feelings, and exhaustion and exhilaration of which I speak?

He hears you.  He sees your tears.  His hand carries you too.

And you're not alone. Your work in adding to the beauty is not in vain.  And sometimes, getting out of bed should be met with thunderous applause.

I get it.

And for the parts I don't get, he is there.

Thanks be to God for all of us who need that thunderous applause for starting another day... and for the fact that you've apparently started this one.

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