Today's Wednesday. Busiest day of the week. I've been applying myself to thinking ahead better, because it makes our lives so much easier. Still the same amount of things to do, just in a smarter order, at smarter times. Got home from our Groesbeck ladies' bible study today, and since I've been applying myself to a cleaner kitchen, I had a couple of minutes. One of my favorite mommy bloggers, whose site I won't share because, well, I'm not sure she wants the traffic. It's more of a family site, I suppose... and to keep folks up on the progress of her daughter, a heart patient.
We found this couple through my in-laws. Friend of a friend from church kind of thing. We've been praying or this little girl for so long, and I've followed the parent blog so much I feel like they're friends. We've never spoken, never met, but we've pulled for that family and followed the story so much that we feel like we know them in real life. K, the mama, is one who I think would be fun to know. You ever read someone's writing and think, "You know, I can see us hanging out"? They are believers, they are incredible parents.
As their little one took a turn for the worse, as I noticed on posts last week, they posted a lot. They took a lot of pictures. I'd open, see them, read about them, pray for the family, and close the email. Or delete it, you know... gotta keep a clean inbox.
This morning, however, at a time when I normally would not sit at the computer, I did. Due to my preparedness from the night before and having had lunch at bible study I had a minute to check the ol' email. I noted an email titled "Peace." Simply stated. I expected more pictures of that sweet little girl, who always reminds me of Mae and Richie because she was born right in between them. That precious face with an innocent, joyous smile curling from behind the tubes in her nose. More pictures of the family together, more pictures of her mama cuddling her. Just like yesterday (or was it the day before) when K spoke of how she laid there dozing between kiddie tv shows, breathing shallow... and I had the most horrible thought... sounds like Nanny did right before...
That doesn't happen to babies. My mind wouldn't allow it. I don't know how I could live through losing one of my babies, so no way. Funny how the mind works.
Then I scrolled down, and saw that she went to be with the Lord this morning.
Then I scrolled further, and saw her dear daddy's words, as always...
"God is always good, and we are in his hands."
I had to hurry and get my little ones off to pick up brother, who had to have a lens replaced, I noted as I saw him. But who cares? He's alive and well. I tried to not think of little L and her mom and dad, and I just couldn't. After a while, driving down the road, listening to Richie and Maelynn's sleepy breathing and Ryan's stimmy-speak of going to this and that elevator, riding trains, etc. the tears began to flow. I reached out to just touch my little boy... I patted his leg and left my hand there. Usually he'll brush me away, but this time, he put his warm, soft, puffy little-boy hand on top of mine. It's like he knew I just needed to feel his healthy, warm touch.
My heart hurts for this family. More than ever, I look around and see that our troubles are things we can handle with God's grace. I'm inclined to think that we should all just be thankful to worship the giver and not the gift. Not as much in the "well, we should be grateful because look how much worse it COULD be" camp. We all suffer, and it is not for one of us to say that we suffer more than another. L, in her life, and her mama and daddy, in her death, have reminded me in a profound way to keep Christ as my center. Not my husband, not my kids, not in band, not in being an autism mama, but my identity and my firmest foundation is Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. He has not changed. He will not change. The triune God will be forever and ever. He has been my comfort in ages past, and will continue to be my comfort in deeper, greater levels every day of my life.
So while this family doesn't even know I exist, they've encouraged me, made me feel less alone as a special needs mama, and now God has used them to strengthen me as I watch them go through something I just don't think I could live through. And as we speak, the little girl who didn't get to talk, run, and play like a regularly-abled nearly three year old is able to do more than we could imagine. Please join me in remembering this family as they go through this time. Though I'm not sharing their names, God knows who you're talking about.
Tonight, I can honestly say that having to do all the extra stuff I had to do because Eric worked late, the optician messed up and only put transitions lenses in one part of Ryan's glasses, the meltdown over dinner again, all that stuff is feeling light and momentary. Tonight I'm thankful for every beat of my babies' healthy hearts.
And again, as always, thanks be to God.
Why? Because, as the man said, "God is always good, and we are in his hands."