Monday, July 16, 2012

Gonna be some changes made

Gonna be some changes, some changes made
           Can't keep on doing what I've been doing these days
Better figure out something
Things are looking grave
Gonna be some changes, changes, changes made
~Bruce Hornsby
Just after I wrangled the small crowd of our family into seats in the auditorium for the high school band concert last spring, I heard something that caught my attention.  A quick look around produced the source.  It was your usual end-of-the-year slideshow, I'm sure put together by K, one of the other band directors.  There were great shots of our J, and some of the other band directors' kids.  Pictures from the spring trip, the football games, the other fun times surrounding high school band.  

And if you know me, you know I love band.  Pretty much in all its forms, I'm crazy about band.  

It was a lovely slideshow, and well put together.  Only one thing was missing.  The Senzig kids were no where to be found, and it's not due to omission on K's part.  If there had been pictures of us, they would have been used. The thing is, it's hard to have your picture taken in and around the band if you're afraid to try to go.  

And, with J's senior year approaching and the kids getting older, that just not acceptable.  

The reasons I've not gone so far do make sense.  The year Ryan was three and Richie was a baby, we went.  

Richie in his first Friday Night Lights

We <3 our G-Force!

Ryan in the stroller, being Mr. Big Brother

My sweet man in his natural habitat

Richie at about 4 months, awake and enjoying his first game of Goat football!

As you can see, the band and the band families sit in the end zone.  It's how we roll around here, and it's really pretty cool!  The band catches many a field goal.  But there's no boundary.  There's no clear definition that separates the band from the football team.  Again, very cool for the band kids!  I love it!  But for Ryan, who doesn't do well without boundaries and doesn't catch on to social cues, there is no understanding that he shouldn't run onto the field.  

So at the same time as I was pregnant with Maelynn, Ryan was just about too big for the double stroller.  I felt the about the worst I'd ever felt in a pregnancy with her.  Add that to the fact that Ryan was bigger and harder to deal with, and I wound up going to less games.  By last year, I hardly made one.  Slowly but surely, it seemed band was all but disappearing from our family.  Every Friday night I felt guilty, but didn't have what it took to keep up with everyone.  I was afraid I'd get started talking and Ryan would slip away.  Every Friday night we stayed home while Daddy was at the game.  

That is, until I saw the video.  I can't tell you enough how sure I am that K didn't leave us out.  She simply didn't have any pictures because I was too afraid of what might happen to even make it to the parking lot without help.  

This year, we're going to be there for every home game.  Barring illness and other natural disasters, the Senzig kids will be in the stands, proudly wearing their G-Force Band shirts.  We may not stay the whole time, we may not be there when things start.  We may have a meltdown over not getting to play drums whenever we want.  But we will be there.  

We will be there to support our Daddy, yes.  But we will also be there because band was my first love. The original plan was to be at everything... every evening rehearsal, every time they needed sectional teachers, everything I could offer I'd offer.  Our kids would grow up alongside the band kids.  Our kids would have 80 to 90 big brothers and sisters.  Just like my first head director and his family, we'd be a band family.  

Like so many things, our expectations had to be on hold.  We have to think of the kids' comfort and safety, and the level of randomness that Ryan can stand.  We have to consider how much I can take, too.  I'm human, and I can only watch my son scream, red-faced, and pound his chest with his fists for so long.  

This year, I'm tired of the kids my husband pours his heart into not knowing who I am.  I'm tired of them not knowing that I care how they do.  I'm tired of my own children not being exposed to something that is so much a part of us!  

We made our first step today.  Last night, I helped Eric make a little treat for the kids and put it together.   He delivered that one, and later in the day, I took the kids for the last 45 minutes of the first day of drumline camp.  As we piled out of the van, I took pieces of cotton ball and plugged their little ears to protect them, and we crossed the parking lot.  As the afternoon sunlight pierced the soft glow of fluorescent lighting, my husband introduced us, and we sat in the floor, out of the way.  

The kids danced.  They played.  Ryan made some freshman jaws drop with his amazing double stroke roll skills.  The first time Maelynn heard the drumline all play part of their show music together, she gasped and said breathlessly, "It's so beautiful!"  

Yes, we had our issues.  I had to run around a bit to keep them from destroying things.  But on the whole, I'm so relieved.  I came to Texas, initially, for band.  And now, I get to share it with my children.  Maybe not exactly the way I wanted.  

But that's better than okay.  It's amazing. 

Thanks be to God!


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