I know I'm held in God's hand. I know that everything that happens to me is God-filtered. I know that. But sometimes things just get stupid. Sometimes it seems that no matter how you thought you prepared for something or how well things have been going lately, things just go kinda nutty. You know, just one thing after another. Rapid-fire frustration. While this is not the worst case of the whineys I've ever had, I still can't help but look at this week and fold my arms and pout.
See how much I have to do, Lord? I don't have time for this. I don't have time for my arm to be hurt. I needed those few hours I lost to the ER on Monday. I do my best to save us money and help the environment with so many things, and while I'm doing one to the best of my ability, I get injured! And what about Ryan? He is losing three hours of school twice a week for two hours of ABA therapy. And there's a waiting list for therapists who could come here? And speaking of that, I gave up something I love to do today so that I could take Ryan to therapy today, only to have his therapist get sick. I don't have time for a little boy who refuses for some reason to tell me when he needs to potty! I mean, he had an accident on the furniture yesterday when we had people coming over!!! And if Ryan wakes up at 6:00 or asks me to spell fire drill or fire alarm one more time... or asks me when we're going to the hotel again one more time... I'm gonna SCREAM!
Oh, how quickly I forget the truly important things. How fast I jump to ungrateful and fussy. In the blink of an eye I become just what I have the hardest time dealing with in my children. Just when I think I'm doing pretty well at being grateful, keeping God's sovereignty close to heart and mind all the time, I'm caught reacting out of desire to have my own way.
The best part of this is that I can fall on his grace yet again, remembering that I do need it. I need grace and mercy and the Lord's forgiveness. So thankful I am that his mercies are new every morning!
As I realized my unbelief, I remembered a hymn that I've known a long time, one that struck me in the service this past Sunday.
Oh, how lovely the relief that someone else has the same challenge! How wonderful that we can ask for our wandering hearts be bound to Him! How comforting to know that grace and mercy do indeed exist, and they are for you and me!
With a refreshed, freshly-cleaned lens through which I can see my week through the eyes of gratefulness, I so easily notice the blessings. I dodged several veins in my accident. Eric was able to be here to help me. We have health insurance! I get some extra time with my kids today, and in my house, and I don't have to go to Waco. If I do drive next year, I will be given the measure of energy and means needed to make it! And certainly not least, that third stanza... He sought me. God extends his grace and mercy and forgiveness to me, and has given me a family to raise, with numerous opportunities a day to pay forward those beautiful gifts.
Why do I ever turn away from that lens or allow it to be clouded by inconvenience and selfishness? I'm afraid I can't stop. It's part of life. But when I do catch myself, I have the opportunity to turn and remember who runs my days. And when I look around and see all that's going on or not going on, I can choose to see the frustrating and sink in that, or I can lift my gaze and see how much I really am blessed.
Thanks be to God!