Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Kick Me Week

It's Wednesday.  I'm tired.  My arm hurts.  Just about everything we've been working on or planned this week has gone completely haywire.  From a trip to ER to have a doctor give me a few stitches to today, with Ryan home because therapy couldn't happen (his therapist is sick) there's so much to whine about today.  With the exception of a major bright spot... having an absolute blast with friends over last night... I kinda feel like curling up in a ball and whining.  It's one of those times when something trips you, then it seems like as soon as you right yourself, something else sticks its foot out and laughs while you fall.  It feels like life's stuck a kick-me sign on your back.

I know I'm held in God's hand.  I know that everything that happens to me is God-filtered.  I know that.  But sometimes things just get stupid.  Sometimes it seems that no matter how you thought you prepared for something or how well things have been going lately, things just go kinda nutty.  You know, just one thing after another.  Rapid-fire frustration.  While this is not the worst case of the whineys I've ever had, I still can't help but look at this week and fold my arms and pout.

See how much I have to do, Lord?  I don't have time for this.  I don't have time for my arm to be hurt.  I needed those few hours I lost to the ER on Monday.  I do my best to save us money and help the environment with so many things, and while I'm doing one to the best of my ability, I get injured!  And what about Ryan?  He is losing three hours of school twice a week for two hours of ABA therapy.  And there's a waiting list for therapists who could come here?  And speaking of that, I gave up something I love to do today so that I could take Ryan to therapy today, only to have his therapist get sick.  I don't have time for a little boy who refuses for some reason to tell me when he needs to potty!  I mean, he had an accident on the furniture yesterday when we had people coming over!!!  And if Ryan wakes up at 6:00 or asks me to spell fire drill or fire alarm one more time... or asks me when we're going to the hotel again one more time... I'm gonna SCREAM!  

Oh, how quickly I forget the truly important things.  How fast I jump to ungrateful and fussy. In the blink of an eye I become just what I have the hardest time dealing with in my children.  Just when I think I'm doing pretty well at being grateful, keeping God's sovereignty close to heart and mind all the time, I'm caught reacting out of desire to have my own way.

The best part of this is that I can fall on his grace yet again, remembering that I do need it.  I need grace and mercy and the Lord's forgiveness.  So thankful I am that his mercies are new every morning!

As I realized my unbelief, I remembered a hymn that I've known a long time, one that struck me in the service this past Sunday.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Oh, how lovely the relief that someone else has the same challenge!  How wonderful that we can ask for our wandering hearts be bound to Him!  How comforting to know that grace and mercy do indeed exist, and they are for you and me!

With a refreshed, freshly-cleaned lens through which I can see my week through the eyes of gratefulness, I so easily notice the blessings.  I dodged several veins in my accident.  Eric was able to be here to help me.  We have health insurance!  I get some extra time with my kids today, and in my house, and I don't have to go to Waco.  If I do drive next year, I will be given the measure of energy and means needed to make it!  And certainly not least, that third stanza... He sought me.  God extends his grace and mercy and forgiveness to me, and has given me a family to raise, with numerous opportunities a day to pay forward those beautiful gifts.  

Why do I ever turn away from that lens or allow it to be clouded by inconvenience and selfishness?  I'm afraid I can't stop.  It's part of life.  But when I do catch myself, I have the opportunity to turn and remember who runs my days.  And when I look around and see all that's going on or not going on, I can choose to see the frustrating and sink in that, or I can lift my gaze and see how much I really am blessed.  

Thanks be to God!

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