Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Hard Question

One day about a year and a half ago... maybe two years, maybe two and a half... I sat while the kids were asleep in a sad, lonely, bottomed-out state in my living room while the kids slept.  This was when Ryan was at the age when the two-by-four of big-boyhood smacked me over the head daily.  He was no longer a baby.  The meltdowns were no longer at all remotely socially acceptable.  They were actually starting to be downright scary.

Everything was hard.  It wasn't just me.  It wasn't in my head.  It was hard.

I sat most days while the littles took their naps and Googled topic after topic, question after question, casting a wide net for any message in a bottle that might make me feel less crazy.  Less inept.  Less isolated.

Among the sites I've told you I visited, the one that began a remarkable paradigm shift in my life was not one of the bunches of mommy and daddy blogs I took in, not one of the autism sites, not one of the inspirational or bible-based sites.  It was a tweet.

Well, it might have been a few.  It was actually something that bothered me about one tweeter.

This Twitter user, exercising her right to free speech via internet, constantly made fun of "Christian moms'.  To say that she made fun of Christian moms is actually quite light.  The deep anger that fueled her barbs made an indelible mark on my heart.

Coupled with the situation I was in, those remarks changed my life.

You see, she was right in a lot of ways.  About me, anyway.  I have a habit of living life in my own little bubble.  I have a tendency to want to be around only people I agree with, only people I can relate to, only those I'm sure will agree with me.  Until that point, I'd been quite sure that this bubble would protect me, because it was the RIGHT thing.  It was good.  Good equaled God.  Right?


Those remarks would not leave me alone.  The venom in her speech would not leave me alone.  The hurt behind the venom would bothered me day and night.  You know why?

I wasn't sure I could defend my faith.  I wasn't sure I could say what I believed and why.  It rattled me so because it brought to light the insecurity that I worked so hard to hide.

So over the next months, through prayer, study, and wise counsel... and through the yanking of my comfy religion rug out from under me, the process began to seek then answers to that question.

What do we believe?

Why do we get up and go to church?

Why do I read my bible?

Why do I believe?

Some of my answers are overly simplistic.  I believe because I am compelled to believe.  It is a part of me that I cannot separate from anything in my life.  I can't not believe.  Oh, I don't always show it, and I will live the rest of my life learning more about God and about his character.  This is the way I like my life, it is the way I've found to be the best.  And I love it.

The next question on my mind was about the counsel.  See, there are an unlimited amount of websites, books, studies, pastors, teachers, preachers, the list goes on and on of folks who are, by the world's standards, qualified to tell us things.  But all of these people, no matter how famous, no matter how published, polished, and together they seem, are just people.  Well learned and respected, yes, they may be!  And we should give respect and credit where it is due.  But when you consider choosing the bricks to build your life's decisions, don't be afraid to ask questions.  Don't be afraid to look for the answer to the hard questions.

But while you're asking the hard questions, remember that these are people.  Yes, I know, I already said that.  The thing is, while you're probing around trying to figure things out, and while you're even defending what you sincerely believe, remember your own humanness.  Remember the nature of humanness and that none of us are blameless.

As I've looked around this past week in checking on some things I wasn't sure were truth, I came upon some disturbing displays of both sides.  Some digging, using strong terminology that was borderline slander; some defending a person who was clearly in the wrong in a way that completely negates the message of the person being defended.

While we look about in search of truth, knowledge, and even entertainment, let's remember who we are.  Let's try to remember goodness, kindness, patience, gentleness, and self-control along with our faith.

But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.  Galatians 5:15

Thanks be to God for the asker of the hard question... and may she be blessed today and always.  

And I must give thanks to God for his word, which teaches us truth and his character.  

1 comment:

  1. This is a great point. I have had similar moments where I find myself angry and hurt and realize also what's happening is I'm being challenged in what I believe. It's important we know why and don't believe blindly, and that we look to God first always before people. Thanks for this reminder.


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